I have this obsessive compulsive behavior I wanna get everything good as much as I possibly can until I stop enjoining it, I want fast, juicy, fresh and intense and now and more, I dont want it to go could or dull, I dont want to wait until that, I'm probably in another. But when I quit smoking I realized when I was waiting for my friend at her apt door, I called her she said she was right around the corner and then I step on the tree fence, I was high, I wanted to greet her a noble reception, I felt like those vigilant guards that look from above with their binoculars searching for fugitives. I felt a little bit like a child. when I was a little girl I loved to jump and hold on things, to walk on narrow fences and challenge myself, as if Ii was in the middle of the rain forest, with the dew green leave falling through the branches as I walk on the dangerous catwalk of my exploratory tree house overcoming random obstacles. But she took much longer than being just around the corner. And I stay there on the top of the fence, very childish, very girly, very self analytical, very serious. Very. Why I think Im always very? Whats the parameter of being very, maybe other people as just like me but I just dont know... bur they dont look like they are, I might know as if im looking to myself from outwards that a have a face, a shine in the eyes that denounces me as being so intensively analyzing me that I would have noticed. Why do I think so much of me as if me was the most important thing in the world, exclusively, by far? Like I could solve all my problems as being all the problems in the world just by knowing myself. I have a feeling that was once said. Other people came, I thought they were my friend and her boyfriend but they weren't. They must be looking at me and thinking, is this girl ok? maybe she's a little crazy, how old is she? She looks too old to be stepping in the fence... And then I realized what I would be doing before I had quit cigarettes, I would be smoking a cigarette, like the proper moment to smoke a cigarette, convenient, alone at night, waiting for a friend or just wandering as usual. But how could I one day forget of this addictive compulsive exacerbated desire to exhale smoke through my throat so pleasurably, anytime of waiting, once so essentially needed? Why no one has ever told me, yes, its ok not to smoke, you really dont need it, I swear. If you had swore to me, saying I know it looks impossible, I thought it was impossible too, but its not, I Swear. I would have believe it, just tell me something is possible. It is what it is no doubt, so simply. Why is everybody doing it pale green and pink? I thought I did that first long time ago, now, make mine metallic purple, thanks.